The Rules of Setting People Up

Here's the thing: Set ups are a tricky business.

As a person who has been on both the giving and receiving ends of set ups, it occurs to me I have some thoughts on the matter. Maybe a lot of thoughts on the matter. Maybe some rants, even. And a few victory dances on the successful set ups that I've been part of that turned into marriages. In the last few months I’ve been doing a lot of painting (which gives my mind time to wander and half compose blog posts) and I have recently encountered several set ups… so it seemed like a good time to discuss the matter.

I would also like to say I realize that it is quite possible, probable even, that I am the world’s most awkward person. People have tried to set me up many times, in a many ways, with many kinds of guys, and none of them have worked. I’m just saying, I realize it might not be him, it might be me. Nonetheless, I do have some thoughts on things that do or don’t work for set ups and I intend to inflict them on you- my dear readers.

First rule of setting someone up: Recognize it is a tricky business and treat it accordingly.
One time a dear friend Kay thought she'd set me up with a friend. She had just started dating this awesome guy who she was head over heels in love with and, of course, wanted to share that with me (well, not the guy, but the experience of being in love). Her guy, Mac, had a friend Brett. I'm pretty sure the email introducing this great idea went something like this "I'm so happy, Mac, Mac, Mac, Mac (gush gush gush). Oh and I want you to meet his friend Brett, he's really "quality" and I know how hard it is to be single."  

Second rule: Do not ever use the words "I know how hard it is to be single" right after gushing about the love of your life. Somehow it robs the statement of its power and comes off as condescending and annoying, even if you mean it and do, in fact, understand that it is difficult to be single. It can also kill a set up on impact. Just saying. Be careful with that.

Back to Kay, so Kay starts casually bringing Brett along with her whenever she and Mac come to my house or to social gatherings. I am ashamed to admit I was less than friendly with Brett because of the nature of the set up. Probably because of the phrase "He's "quality"" and all the gushing about Mac and "understanding about being single". I met Brett, didn't know him, but felt like he was being pushed down my throat, regardless of whether or not I was interested, and I basically avoided him, making it awkward for both of us. Poor Brett. I specifically remember hosting a party at my house for Memorial Day one year, Kay and Mac had brought Brett and he was being so kind and offering to help- and I just didn't know what to do with him! So I was short and basically refused his help. He had no idea what was really going on and felt bad that I was so stand offish. 

Thankfully, there were less awkward circumstances (without Kay and Mac involved) down the road where Brett and I finally connected and he's a good friend of mine to this day. We laugh about the horribly awkward initial beginnings and I'm thankful we've moved past that - and he is, indeed, "quality" and we are mutually not interested in each other like that to this day.


Along those same lines, I’d like to give credit to a few people who have attempted set ups in a tactful and thoughtful way. (They treated the set up as the tricky business it is and handled it accordingly.) Last summer I was at a wedding and ran into an acquaintance, Beth. We had a great conversation about life and singlehood and weddings, etc. and at the end of it she says, "I want to set you up with my cousin."  "Okay." What have I got to lose right? A few weeks later she contacts me to get my info, gives it to her cousin, and then doesn't resurface in the set up at all. She provided the contact and discreetly moved out of the set up entirely.

This cousin of hers and I talked for a few weeks and then I met him (he lived out of state). It looked rather promising by phone for a couple weeks, we had some things in common, and it was definitely worth following through to see if it was going anywhere. After meeting a couple times, we mutually realized it wasn't worth continuing and we've moved on. But I will say, next time I see Beth there will be no awkwardness over the situation. She provided the contact. The two adults involved talked, met, and mutually weren't interested. No relationships were damaged. Fabulous.

And then there's my grandma, who is one of the dearest people I know. One evening I was at their apartment visiting and Gram gets all serious, "I have a question to ask you." Okay. She goes on to tell me about her physical therapist Jim who is just a dear guy. He's great at what he does, has a good job, etc. She tells me he's very tall, muscular, and shaves his head "I suspect it's because he doesn't have all that much hair left" (good to know these things I suppose). So Jim was finished working with her but gave her his phone number and said "Call if you need anything" and apparently Gram read that to mean "Call if you want to set me up with your granddaughter." She was so excited about the prospect, and, though I wasn't sure what we had in common, I was willing to be introduced. And I really appreciated that she asked if it was something I'd be interested in, rather than just plunging ahead with some kind of awkward set up and blindsiding me. Well done, Gram, well done. Of course she lost his phone number after all that and I still have not met this dear man who shaves his head because he is most likely balding, which is also okay. I appreciate the thought and the handling of it. 

To be continued…

In case you’re wondering

What I’m looking up on the web:  Propagating rose cuttings. I’ve got to find a way to bring pieces of my dearest plant-friend here at the Homestead with me. Worth a try anyway, right? 

What else I’m looking up on the web:  Garage apartment house plans. You never know when you’re going to be desperate enough to need one. And now to pick whose house to build one behind…

What I’m done looking up: Mold stains in attic. Word to the wise: bleach the hell out of your attic roof sheeting before listing your house. It’s simpler and much cheaper that way. Especially when it is mold stains from a decade ago before you replaced your roof and not an active mold problem. Argh. End of rant.

What I’m thinking obsessing about: Impending homelessness. One month and counting. Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

What I’m dreading: The senseless killing and the circle of life when the dogs and I go to stay at the folks’ house while trying to find appropriate living accommodations. Oh yeah, that and homelessness.

What I’m looking forward to:  Finding said new accommodations and painting everything. Sick, right? Didn’t I just finish doing that over here at the Homestead? Why yes I did. And as I look around, I’m inspired by what a person can do with time (let’s say 10 years or so) and some meager skills (or some serious determination). I am not looking for the perfect house. I am looking for a place to call home. And with some paint and some time, I think I can turn just about any place into home. At least that is what I’m telling myself right now.

What I’m thankful for: So many things. Generous parents who will put me up during said homelessness. An amazing 10.5 years in this house and the many people who shared this home with me in various seasons. The many, many lessons I’ve learned here- about myself, about home improvement, about people, about friendship. Sunny days. Birds singing. Dogs napping. This new season place in life of living on my own and seeing what God is going to do with that. New babies. Friends. Family. A great cup pot of coffee.

What I’m avoiding: The farmer’s market. It is my favorite time of year to go to the farmer’s market and buy all kinds of exciting plants for the garden. It is basically the near occasion of sin for me right now. I did go to one little farm market a few days ago for vegetables (you know, to make a salad and eat), and I came home with salad fixings and 4 pepper plants and 6 tomato plants. They are now in all of my largest pots. I am cut off. No more farmer’s markets for awhile.

What I should not admit here: I am finding that I’m a compulsive gardener. I know, there’s compulsive drinkers, gamblers, runners, etc. I’m a compulsive gardener. I should just let things be around here for the next month. Mow the grass. And call it a day. Instead I’m splitting (taking some with me), weeding, thinking about moving plants to better places around here (I KNOW, right? Insane!), and lamenting not putting in the veggie garden. I am slightly concerned some day soon I won’t be able to help myself and I’ll plant a tomato forest out there. So far, just a few in pots. Maybe that will stay my insatiable need to plant tomatoes. Not to mention planting a friend’s garden with her, planning to plant my brother’s garden with him… yeah, I’m Reenie. I’m a compulsive gardener.

What I’m listening to: Birds chirping. The washing machine. The 48 hour marathon thing in the field behind my house. They do it every year. Music- middle school kids- random announcements. It's going to be weird not living here.

Happy weekend!

Update from the land of crazy

Well clearly I’ve been neglecting the blog to do that little business of getting the house on the market. I’ve been neglecting other things as well: sleep, balance, friends, munchkins, book club, … right. I prefer to call it “focused energy” but whatever.

So the house. I’m going to leave out all of the gory details, but it felt gory. I had some wonderful family members and friends that helped me do the final push – washing rugs, cleaning bathrooms, finishing the trim in the kitchen, you name it. I am so blessed to be surrounded by such generous people.

Anyway, that last night before listing wasn’t pretty- I was pretty sick and had a ton of stuff to do. That’s enough details, but it was not pretty. And by that I mean, NOT PRETTY. Extreme mortification. As it turns out, I called to push back the first two showings so I could finish up in the garage. The first guy was a jerk and came anyway (I turned him away). The second people didn’t get the rescheduling message. And didn’t confirm their rescheduled appointment, so they managed to come while I was vacuuming mouse crap in the garage. Awesome. On no sleep. And looking like death warmed over (and covered in sawdust from the garage). They were delightful people. Loved everything about the house. Told me repeatedly what a great job I’d done. And the wife loved my flowers. Awww.  Anyway, after the mortification of being around for a house showing, we finally got things packed up and we fled to my parents house- me, the dogs, and a bunch of clean laundry. I was exhausted.

 

Sunday I got the call that those first people (right, the ones who found me cleaning the garage) put in an offer. Woo hoo! We counter offered Monday, which they accepted, and the inspection was just yesterday. Waiting to hear on the results and the appraisal.

So the dogs and I camped out for the week at my parents. The dead chicken could have been Maggie or could have been whatever animal has been killing my mom’s chickens all winter, but there was a dead chicken and I can’t say Maggie is blameless.

The kitten left no doubt. Sometimes the circle of life if just vicious, especially when you have to see it go down. The little kitties that Owen had stashed in the safe horse trailer found a way out of it, and there I was following Maggie after a brutal day at work… just in time to see her grab a tiny kitten and quickly shake it to death. Tragedy. It took me back to 12 year old Reenie who would always find kittens that had been killed by animals, cars, etc. I’d cry and take their little bodies to my own animal graveyard (a specific spot in the woods I can’t even find anymore). Sad. As the adult Reenie watched her own dog shake this tiny helpless thing, I thought how strange it is to see the same sort of things as I did when I was a kid, and to still be sad, but not heartbroken. The circle of life. It is vicious.

As I buried the dead kitten, the other two kitties climbed my pant leg, falling into the hole I was digging. I dearly hoped this wasn’t a prophetic move. I locked the dogs inside, snuggled these little bits of fur and sweetness, and buried the one that didn’t make it. And life goes on.

Maggie is a complete pain in the butt sometimes but she is also a reflection of me. At my parents house, she runs around like mad, chasing everything that moves, tearing up hills and through the woods, and loving life. She runs up grinning and panting. And then she whines. She wants to go home! Every time she sees my car she tries to leap in and asks to go home. This is fun Reenie, but take me hoooommmmeeeeeee! I feel the same way.

I am SO grateful at my parent’s generosity. That they take in me and a couple killer dogs in our moment of need. And yet, everything felt off. Staying there isn’t home. It isn’t my chaos, it’s someone else’s chaos. Everything about our daily routines with the dogs was off, different. Suzie was fabulous- because basically I am the center of her universe and as long as I’m around, she’s happy. Add to that her exhaustion from all the running around all day, she’s basically the best dog ALIVE. Maggie, not so much. Whiney. Anxious. Happy one second and freaking out the next. Panting. Begging to go home.

So Saturday marked a week at my parents and the inspection was done late afternon and we were ready to go home. I now have the same unfolded laundry at home with me. And two tired and very content dogs, and one tired and content Reenie, who is trying to not freak out about the impending homelessness. (We’ll save that for another post, shall we?)

And hey, the house is (mostly) sold! God is so good!! and the months of intense preparation paid off –it looks fabulous and went quickly. I feel so incredible relieved and blessed. 

Count your blessings

I am blessed.

The other day I had one of those moments where something happened and I completely overreacted (mostly in my head). Do you ever have those moments? It felt like piling on. As if I don't have enough going on, and now THIS? And it isn't the first time something like this happened which manages to make me feel invisible and undervalued and abandoned. Stupid, yes. But those are the feelings that come flooding in. Suddenly I'm frustrated, angry, and feeling entirely derailed. Somewhere in the middle of this response, I was able to see that I was overreacting. This isn't something that is going to ruin my life. It doesn't mean my parents have never loved me or that I'll never be able to get the house on the market.  Back to reality, Reenie, back to reality. It is inconvenient and it does throw off my plans, but there are so many things to be thankful for in spite of it.

Today I am thankful:

For God's abundance in all things

For being Catholic

For gorgeous spring weather at last

For tulips and hyacinths and forsythia and daffodils all blooming in my yard

For a couple crazy dogs who love me (and one of them who REALLY loves me) 

For the friends that generously brought over dinner and boxes and their cute toddler for a visit

For my brother and sister-in-law who came over and cleaned the bathroom and helped me trim the kitchen

For a job I love (and that my boss is usually in town and taking his own phone calls) 

For a house that is almost ready to list

For a place to go while it's listed (so as to get the dogs out)

For a housing market that is on the mend at long last

Bottom line: I am blessed and thankful.

The insanity of this particular nut getting a house on the market

Thank God for April and being less scheduled (on purpose, once I realized how overscheduled March was). My dear friend Karen came over one afternoon because she is awesome like that. She touched up my kitchen cabinets, painted trim, put up some hardware, touched up kitchen walls, and was generally awesome. I also put a fresh coat of stain/varnish on the upstairs bathroom cabinets and mirrors, fixed the seal along the tub, etc. 
My first at-home productive weekend in a month (a week or two ago) was awesome. I repainted the front door, door hardware, replaced outdoor light fixture, painted the mailbox and address numbers, sanded and spray painted the bathroom light fixture to cover the rust spots, reinstalled it, found touch up paint for the dining room (SCORE!).

Owen came over for a couple hours and removed adhesive from the front siding (thanks to a great prank from many years ago that included a lot of bows stuck all over the front of my house) and did a bit of yard work for me. And then, after my half hour dinner break, I worked on plumbing... actually, I had started in the afternoon... (prepare for a plumbing rant)

Ahem. So I was replacing the faucets in both bathrooms and the kitchen. They were all old, kind of gross, and had broken parts I hadn't been able to find replacement parts for. So the upstairs bathroom was the real bugger in all of this. I realized later it was because I've already replaced the drain piping in the downstairs bathroom a few years ago (and it was a bugger then) and had replaced the kitchen drain piping when I replaced the garbage disposal a few years ago (also a bugger). And I recently replaced the laundry room sink and had to replace drain piping there too. Basically, this was the one remaining sink to labor over the corroded, nasty drain piping.

In the instructions that come with the new faucet, it reads "2. Removed existing faucet and drain." Like it should take about 37 seconds to disconnect and then you can move on with steps 3-12 with great ease. It was not to be so at the Homestead. It took me over 2 hours to just disconnect the faucet and deal with the leaking valve. Absolutely maddening. Rekindling my loathing of all things plumbing. And of course, the new faucet needs new connection tubes in different sizes than the existing ones. And... right, I'll spare you some of the cruddy, scummy, corroded details... (I said "some" not "all")

 

Let's just say I made a run to Ace late afternoon (because by then Owen was there so I wouldn't have to just leave the house with the door open since the paint was still wet), I got the connection hoses and a couple parts for the valve issue. After dinner, I went back to the plumbing... and of course, after several more hours, needed another part... after the hardware stores were closed... so I trekked to Walmart in all of my plumbing glory (which included smelling of liquid wrench because I'd been using a lot of it and at one point, while shifting awkwardly around under the sink to try to get a better angle and get some traction on some corroded stuck plumbing, I managed to lay on the spray bottle which promptly discharged it's smelly contents into my hair -- I told you, I'm really good at this stuff :)  

Anyway, there I was in a desperate state looking for a washer for the drain at Walmart... whose plumbing department let me down big time (no surprise there). I did pick up another set of drain hoses which I realized I would need for the second bathroom faucet. So I stood in line with 30 other people at 10 pm at Walmart, waiting for the two tired cashiers to ring up my stupid hoses... Hoping against hope, I went from there to Meijer, sure their plumbing department is about as well equipped as Walmart... but hoping they might carry a washer to stop the drain leak and be able to turn on the water that evening... please God!!  Gloriously, Meijer had a little package called "Plumbing washers" that had a dozen different sizes (including the one I needed) for $3. Fabulous. And the self scan registers work at Meijer. Leaving there at 11 pm and feeling like a million bucks (and you already know I looked and smelled like a million bucks) I trekked home with my precious plumbing parts.

 

I finally finished the upstairs bathroom (well mostly, because there was still a slight drip at the drain connection-- argh!!) at 1 am. I looked at the other two faucets and figured I might as well just keep going- especially since I knew the other two were going to be simpler since it was only the faucets and not the drains. At exactly 1:59 I finished the other two and turned the water back on so the roommate could shower before work in a few hours. 

The next morning at church a couple of my girlfriends told me how impressed they were. "Plumbing isn't my thing" one of them told me. Clearly plumbing isn't my "thing" either, but no one else was going to do it, so I had to. Meh. And someday I dearly hope plumbing doesn't need to be my thing any longer. But for now, I'm done. The faucets look and work great and I hope to do no more plumbing, at least for the next couple weeks (fingers crossed). Oh and I dug the old corroded washer out of that drain ring after Mass, replaced it, and finally stopped that annoying leak. Done. Whew.   

This getting the house ready to sell process is kicking my butt. So. Much. To. Do. but it is good to be moving forward. I'm going to be soooooo relieved in a couple weeks when the insanity of the prep is done and it is just on the market.

March (a little late)

March flew by and here we are in mid-April! Yikes. Apparently I've been too busy to post anything over here (you're welcome!)

The short version of March: 

 

Payback Saturday with Donal and Lindsey -- we painted the living room, small bathroom, and primed the basement stairwell... I followed up with installing a new mirror in the small bathroom, painting the vanity and updating the hardware, and attempting to put the house back together (ish). It was an awesomely productive weekend at the Homestead!!  (Thanks to Donal, Lindsey, Leslie, and Jenny). 

 

Damian Stayne Conference at CTK - really excellent

 

Silent Retreat at Gethsemane in KY - also really excellent. I am SO blessed to be able to go there year after year and simply encounter Jesus in the peaceful stillness, in the prayer of the Church, in the lives of faithful men who pray without ceasing. And I napped... a lot. It was all so very wonderful.

 

Triduum / Easter at CTK, my class (including my niece Lucy) made their First Communion (a very exciting day for all of us)

 

Painted the kitchen counters (I keep meaning to post about this process and the results... maybe I'll get around to it someday) 

 

And then March was over. Just like that. Without making much more progress than that one really productive weekend, meeting with realtors, and some decluttering / packing in between.